The holiday season is here, and you know what that means: gift purchases. Virtually every site on the internet will be posting some sort of listicle with gift suggestions for your loved ones. But what about the people you hate, or just want to annoy? What do you get for them?
For your hate-buying pleasure, we present the worst tech gifts of 2016. Spend wisely!
1. Stikbox selfie stick phone case
Do you know someone so vain that they carry a selfie stick with them literally everywhere they go? Help them cut down on baggage with the Stikbox, a selfie stick that folds into itself and forms a phone case. The Stikbox case looks deeply ugly and adds more than a half-inch of thickness to the phone, but that’s a small price to pay for having a selfie stick on hand everywhere you go. You know, if that’s something you’re vain enough to need.
Available via: Stikbox’s website (shop currently down).
MSRP: US$36-$48
2. Bruno smart trash can
The Bruno smart trash can is a brilliant gift for any person on your list you’d like to torture while making it look like you’re doing them a kindness. At first, they’ll think the Bruno is great. It has a vacuum that can suck up dust from the floor, and it comes with an app that reminds them to take the garbage out on trash day.
But the Bruno is insidious! Its smart features only work with Bruno bags, which cost way more than regular kitchen trash bags and are only available online. Instead of picking up new bags cheaply and conveniently at the grocery store, your unwitting victim will be forced to buy them through Bruno’s mobile app. Then, of course, they’ll also be forced to charge their trash can regularly to keep its smart functions powered.
Sure, it’ll cost you a pretty penny to purchase. But just imagine your enemies frantically waving their hands at the Bruno to activate its “hands-free” lid before realizing that it’s out of battery, then opening it and discovering that it’s also out of bags and needs another expensive, days-away refill. The Bruno smart trash can is a punishment disguised as a convenience – the perfect gift for someone you want to annoy for years and years to come.
Available via: Bruno’s website (preorder).
MSRP: US$250
3. Designed by Apple in California
If there’s an Apple fan you’d like to mock this Christmas, consider getting them a copy of Designed by Apple in California. This costly coffee table book contains virtually no information about Apple or its design; it’s just nice photos of Apple’s products over the past twenty years. Be sure to grab the large edition – which costs US$300 – so that the recipient knows you could have gotten them a cool new Apple gadget (like the AirPods or an Apple Watch), but instead you got them a dumb book full of advertising.
Available via: Apple’s website.
MSRP: US$200-$300
4. Inupathy
Need a gift for a complete idiot? Consider Inupathy. It’s a smart wearable for dogs that displays colors signifying the dog’s emotion, based on its heart rate and heart rate variability measurements. Because how could you ever tell your dog was excited without a giant red light on its back? To be fair, Inupathy also has some activity tracking and social features via the (inevitable) companion app. But come on – more than virtually any other animal, dogs wear their emotions on their sleeves (so to speak), so the Inupathy makes a great gift only if you’ve got a particularly oblivious (and dog-owning) friend.
Available via: Indiegogo.
MSRP: US$249
5. Flatev
Jealous of your cousin’s beautiful kitchen? Ruin its aesthetics with the Flatev, a gigantic, ugly machine that offers its user a ridiculously inconvenient way to make “homemade” tortillas. Despite its absurd size, the Flatev cooks just one tortilla at a time. And it can’t really cook homemade tortillas, because it won’t accept homemade dough: the Flatev only works with single-use tortilla pods sold by the company at US$0.79 apiece. It’s ugly and inconvenient, but anyone you purchase it for will feel obligated to use it whenever you’re around because it’s also very expensive. Thus the Flatev, like the Bruno smart trash can, makes for an excellent punishment gift.
Available via: Flatev’s site (preorder).
MSRP: US$437
6. Smartress
Destroy a marriage by giving Smartress, a mattress that uses sensors to determine whether it’s being used for sex and then sends notifications via a mobile app. This smart mattress is advertised as a potential solution for spouses worried about infidelity – it’ll ping you if someone’s doing the nasty on your bed while you’re in the office, for example. But it basically just senses bouncing, which could lead to all sorts of misunderstandings if (and this is just one example) your kids like bouncing on the bed. The Smartress is the perfect gift for sewing the seeds of distrust in any relationship you’re looking to break up. Or, link the Smartress to your own phone before giving it away and perv out with real-time notifications whenever your friends are doin’ it.
Available via: Smartress’s site.
MSRP: US$1,350
7. Oombrella
The Oombrella is the perfect gift for shaming the shameless gadget lover in your life. Unlike some of these products, it’s not totally stupid – it is a functional umbrella, and it has a notify feature that could help prevent you from leaving it in restaurants or cabs, which is nice. But it’s also packed full of completely useless features like a screw-mount for a GoPro, a smart notification light in the handle for phone messages, and weather-sharing technology so that you can share the weather your umbrella experienced with other people. Nobody needs their umbrella to do any of those things.
Available via: Indiegogo.
MSRP: US$65
8. Belty Good Vibes
Looking for the perfect prank gift? Look no further than Belty Good Vibes, a smart belt that vibrates to communicate with its user throughout the day as it tracks their activities. Belty has a variety of health-tracking features that will keep your friends distracted – hopefully distracted enough that they don’t notice all the giggling happening around them. Because while Belty might be a useful product, it’s also a product that will frequently create a vibrating noise emanating from right near the user’s crotch. And when most people hear vibration coming from that area, they’re going to think of an entirely different kind of wearable tech.
Available via: Belty’s site (waiting list).
MSRP: US$395
9. June Intelligent Oven
The June Intelligent Oven is a great gift for any young person whose personal growth you’d like to stunt. As we become adults, most of us learn to cook out of necessity, and the skills we attain are universal – if you can cook, you can cook in any kitchen, on any stove, with any pan. The June Intelligent Oven takes that away by facilitating home cooking without any skill development, ensuring that its owner is totally dependent on an expensive piece of hardware to create home-cooked food. It will also rob the owner of the joys of developing one’s own favorite tastes, styles, and recipes, because the June oven cooks based on crowd-sourced data to produce a kind of average of what users all across the globe think is best. With the June, you can ensure that your enemy learns nothing as they cook, and never discovers the flavors and styles they enjoy most.
Note: if you like the skill-stifling aspect of the June Intelligent Oven but bawk at the ridiculous price, the Pantelligent pan has a similar effect at a much lower price point, although of course it only works on common foods cooked in a skillet.
Available via: June’s website.
MSRP: US$1,495
10. Ampy Move
If you’d like to frustrate someone to the point of near insanity, look no further than the Ampy Move! This portable battery pack claims it can recharge your phone by generating electricity from your movements as you exercise. It would make an amazing gift if it actually worked, but most reviewers seem to agree it doesn’t. So give it to your enemies and watch them work themselves to the bone while generating only a tiny, tiny amount of juice for their phone. Fair warning, though: they might have the last laugh, because if they do enough exercise to regularly charge their phone via Ampy they’ll end up buff as hell.
Available via: Ampy’s site.
MSRP: US$100
11. Samsung Galaxy Note 7
For the person you’re straight-up trying to kill, Tech in Asia recommends the Samsung Galaxy Note 7. This flagship smartphone sports a 1440p AMOLED display, a quad-core Snapdragon processor, a gorgeous 12 Megapixel camera, and a 3,500 MAh fast-charging battery that occasionally explodes in a ball of fire. The phone is a literal deathtrap, and even if it doesn’t explode, it’ll cause the recipient a huge inconvenience considering it’s banned on all flights. Buy this one only for someone who truly deserves it.
Available via: Used? Admittedly these are tough to find these days.
MSRP: US$840
This is an opinion piece, and also a humor piece. It is not meant to be taken seriously. Also, seriously do not buy a Galaxy Note 7, not even for your enemies.
This post The 11 worst tech gifts of 2016: a buyer’s guide appeared first on Tech in Asia.
from Tech in Asia https://www.techinasia.com/9-worst-tech-gifts-2016-buyers-guide
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